Thursday, October 22, 2015

Off the Bench

recognize that posting has been light.  cough. all year.  I am not sure what to really do about that-- there was a lot going on with me professionally this year which is very hard to write about in a public space. 

The short of it- I took a job that was based in another city. I spent much of the spring traveling in and out of Ketchikan and for the most part it was working for us as a family  We then started to talk about relocation to the new city as a more permanent decision and that's when the heavy conversation started.

Now if you want a peek behind the marriage of Matt and Dana- let me set the stage.  It often involves a bottle of wine, late nights, foot massages and heavy conversations on values.   We talked and talked and then talked some more for almost a month straight while my job somewhat patiently let us work through this step as a family.  This talking isn't new to us, it's something that we had established early in our relationship and has only grown as our lives have become more complicated.  We don't have a perfect marriage by any standard but we do have an extremely candid and earnest one. To a fault we are open about what is going on. . . and in the times of big decisions it can be almost debilitating.  There were late, late nights on this one.

When I describe our decision to move to Ketchikan I often use the term "values driven life."  I think people roll their eyes a bit at that-- but that's really as simple as it was.  We were commuting a bunch, on the run and had dinner as a family maybe once or twice a week.  We met some great folks- especially through our adoption with Simon who lived life just the way they wanted to, and it was inspiring.  Moving to Ketchikan was about creating the space for us to really bond as a family.  Our decision to come to Ketchikan looked and acted very similarly to these conversations.  There was wine, there was conversations around the practicalities of our choices and the impact to our kids and relationship.  A bit of déjà vu for us.

The reality was that although another adventure sounded exciting, especially to me- the reality of living in a new city with both of us working and me traveling a lot was too much.   It also took us away from the values we have found in Ketchikan. In the end, I decided to resign my job and continue our life in Ketchikan.  We had intended to be here for 18 months but that time has now come and gone and we are still here.  It feels good, the values are still in check, the marriage still strong and the kids still thriving. Staying feels good, so that's where we are.

So now what. . . as those of you who follow the blog over the last couple years will know that we adopt a new years resolution as a family.  This has varied over the years but this year was moxie.  Now moxie indicates some resemblance to swagger and general ass kicking.  To date, this has NOT been the year of moxie- but a year of indecision and angst.  Not moxie at all.   Now we are in late October and I am not sure what happened other than that we almost made a big move,  decided not to, and didn't have another plan in place.

I give myself a pass for the spring of indecision, the summer of fun while I connected with some old friends and family with a plan to fully carpe the diem out of this fall.  

Soon fall was amidst us and I am still lacking traction.  I could point to one hundred excuses of why my life is hard  or didn't go the way I though- but that's not really the point.  The year was called MOXIE not MAKING SCHOOL LUNCHES. 

It turns out that getting four kids into the swing of school is not easy-- it's half a loaf of bread in sandwiches, 2 hours a day in the car and several rounds of IEP's. Again,excuses.  It turns out getting pneumonia at 35, will derail you for almost a month and turn you into a albuterol shaky, codeine seeking druggie. Again, excuses.  It turns out having your confidence shaken with a tough career pivot will make it hard to stick your neck out.  Again, excuses.

Well, that ends about now.  I'm coming off the bench.  I may have not nailed the theme this year, but damn if I can't finish strong.  Nothing about moxie breeds temperance.   Let's get this done. 

I came across this cover recently from a singer I like and have been listening to it a lot during my work outs.    It's the attitude I am going to adopt for the balance of the year.  The relentless pursuit of happiness and shameful enthusiasm. 
I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold. Hey, I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good

There is a lot going on in our little world- even by our standards.  Some of you who care for us may caution us on moderation- but I (lovingly) won't have it for the next couple months.  I have been living this new philosophy for a couple weeks now, and man. . . it feels awesome.

People told me slow my roll, I'm screaming out: Fuck that.  I'm a do just what I want, looking ahead no turning back