Monday, January 20, 2014


Today marks yet another milestone-- 19 years since my mom passed away.  It's growing almost silly to talk about it here since it has been so many years at this point but I do find that my mind is often "there" this time of year and so it seems like a fair topic to write about.

I don't really feel all that emotional this week-- maybe I am just too busy to really reflect on it.  Or maybe it's that I am feeling better in so many other areas of my life.  I feel more confident in my own mothering and my mind is consumed with how to best love and raise my children that I don't often think back to the gap between what would have existed in my family if my mom had lived versus the pieces of family that we evolved to after.

This year was important for my mom for other reasons as well-- it presented an opportunity to better honor her life. 

For the past 18 years my mom's grave went unmarked.  (Trust me when I say there is significant back-story to this but nonetheless something that I didn't know about until recently.)  In story and in my mind, I had a distinct vision for what I thought her headstone was all along.  It was a pretty pink color, a lovely blush color she wore frequently.    It was understated much like she was-- nothing showy but pretty and strong nonetheless. 

We went ahead and ordered her headstone finally and because I had such distinct belief for what it was and needed to be,  it was a simple matter of creating the real from the phantom.

I went down to Rochester last fall to visit and spend time with her which was it's own odd experience.  Although I had visited the cemetery many times before, I never knew if I was in the right place.  This time I was proud to see her name displayed and see her laid to rest properly.   It was an odd peace but one I appreciated greatly. 

Somehow having this completed has healed a part of my own heart as well. 

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